Mom's Out There

I was checking out at the local grocery store with just
a few items and the lady behind me put her things on
the belt close to mine.

I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by
the cash register and placed it between our things so
they wouldn't get mixed together.

After the cashier had scanned all of my items, he
picked up the "Divider" looked it all over for the bar
code so he could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, he said to me "Do you
know how much this is?"

I said to him, "I've changed my mind, I don't think
I'll buy that today."

He said "OK" and I paid him for the things and left.

Well, since Christmas is over and we all got what we wanted .... or didn't want from our man...I thought I would include this list for my guy viewers of how to keep us women happy.

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she
goes.

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

...and people wonder why men and women are so different.

SEE IT'S NOT HARD GUYS!!

Now all you guys can finally learn why the women’s restroom line is always so damn long!

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in, to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants. The dispenser for the modern “seat covers”; no doubt invented by someone’s mom, is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t. So you carefully, but quickly, drape it around your neck (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the floor); yank down your pants, and assume “The Stance”.

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t had the time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold “The Stance”.

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind you can hear your mother’s voice saying “Honey, if you’d tried to clean the seat, you would have known there was no toilet paper!” Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible; it’s still smaller than our thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. “Occupied!” you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.

It is wet, of course. You bolt up; know all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered sweat because you never laid down toilet paper – that that there was any, even if you had taken the time to try. You know your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, frankly dear, “You just don’t know what kind of diseases you could get.”

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of waiting women,

You are no longer able to smile politely at them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe (where was that when you needed it?). You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly; “Here, you just might need this.”

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men’s room. Annoyed he asks, “What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?”

I hope to hear today about what is happening. Yesterday was sooooo stressful I have a headache today. But I hope to have news! Here is another funny joke to leave you with!

Ten Things A Mom Doesn't Want To Hear

1. I swallowed a goldfish.

2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.

3. Does grape juice leave a stain???

4. The principal called...

5. But DAD says that word all the time.

6. What's it cost to fix a window???

7. Has anyone seen my earthworms???

8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?

9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.

10. I'm moving out... NOT!!!

How To Know Whether Or Not You Are Ready To Have Kids:

This joke was in my mailbox and I had to share it will you all....
(This is what I have to look forward to when I turn 50!!!)

The Perks of Being Over 50
-- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
-- In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
-- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
-- People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
-- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
-- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
-- Things you buy now won't wear out.
-- You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
-- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
-- You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
-- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
-- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
-- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
-- You sing along with the elevator music.
-- Your eyes won't get much worse.
-- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
-- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weatherservice.
-- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
-- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Blonde: I was born in the U.S.

Friend: Oh really, what part?

Blonde: All of me, silly.


I'm sorry if I offended anyone with this one...but it was a pop-up that came up and I had to share it...