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A Mommy's Letter to Santa
Friday, December 14, 2007
I got this email in the mail this morning and I had to share.
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor and sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leav e your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always, MOM...
P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.
I got a funny letter in the mail today!
Friday, October 12, 2007
I love getting the mail!! I have always sat by my window waiting until the mail man came and then ran to my mailbox. I don't know why but I love getting something in a little box that is a surprise...may be that's what it is. Now usually my mail box is full but lately not so much...
Today though I got the funniest letter in the mail...well I hope you find it funny too...
So in Canada they have this program that they send a letter to you to remind you to go for your yearly...you know...But I really didn't need the reminder because here you can't get your prescription for your birth control renewed unless you have the yearly 'tests' done.
I have never been a fan of these...and I am sure you will all agree with me...especially the men...(cough) LOL...I guess it could be worse for us women. But I digress...so here's what the letter says.
"PAP tests can prevent almost all cervical cancer by finding changes in the cells on your cervix early enough to be treated and cured.
Our records indicate that your last PAP test was more than 12 months ago..."
Okay, but this is where it is funny...I HAVE NO CERVIX!!! I looked all over the place for the number so I could call them and tell them to stop sending them to me... but I couldn't. So now every time I read this letter it is going to say...do you want cervical cancer?? If not get your butt to the doc's...I can't handle the pressure.
Will I tell them or will you??? LOL